Girl Talk
by skidtick
Summary: The thing about being an S-rank criminal is that you hardly ever get to meet girls. Deidara speaks of his woes to a sympathetic Kisame, an unsympathetic Hidan and an Uchiha who just couldn't care less.


A/N

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**Girl Talk**

Deidara was upset.

He looked upon the Akatsuki's mission bulletin board.

That was where the solo missions went.

The Leader was generally quite good when it came to assigning missions; he chose the right ones for the right individuals.

He was even detailed enough that he added mission details. Mission details were sometimes little warnings. Leader knew that some of his members had… personality quirks that could jeopardize a mission, therefore mission details became important to remind them to withhold their natural impulses.

Deidara looked at his mission slip.

_Mission: Scout Suna_

_Mission Details: Don't blow anything up_

Then he looked at an unnamed mission slip next to his.

_Mission: Infiltrate village we discussed about last week and assassinate the leader_

_Mission Details: Try not to get caught peeking at hot springs, again. Try not to pick up any girls, again. _

Deidara had been deprived of females of his age for so long he was going nuts. He abided by the organization's rules regarding romantic relationships, really he did! But he was also the youngest of the Akatsuki, more prone to… some urges. So why was it that someone else got the "no romantic relationships" warning?

More importantly, who was that bastard?

"And it's not like I'm ugly, un," Deidara whined. "Ever since I got drafted into this stupid organization, my love life is in total jeopardy!"

The blonde bombers back was against the wall as he lay sprawled against the floor, eyes lifted up in some hopeful plea to a more merciful heaven.

His confider sat next to him, listening understandingly, breathing quietly.

"Um, Deidara?"

A voice drifted past his agonized fog of a mind.

He looked up blearily at someone blue.

"Kisame no Danna?" he said questioningly.

"Why are you talking to Samehada?"

Deidara glanced over to the silent sword propped up against the wall next to him.

"She listens, un."

He gave a gaze full of love to the bandage wrapped sword. Kisame felt vaguely disturbed.

"Um, right. Well go find someone else to talk to. I need to use Samehada for… uh… something."

He just wanted Deidara to get the hell away from his sword. And he just didn't have the heart to tell Deidara that Samehada thought he was annoying. He probably wouldn't believe him anyway.

Picking up his sword reverently, he retreated to a distant corner of the room. Deidara really needed to get a girl or something, insanity was catching, especially from a hormone filled seventeen year old. He even told leader he thought Deidara was too young to join Akatsuki.

"This sucks, un," Deidara said loudly, glaring over at Kisame and that traitor Samehada. "Here I am, minding my own business and some old man has to go and make me miserable."

_Ouch, old man? _Kisame thought. _Thirty one is really not that old… I mean there is Kakuzu, who is very old and even Sasori was older than me._

"Kisame no Danna, this really sucks, un. Everyone here is too old to talk to."

Kisame was going to suggest Itachi. However he noticed Itachi's mental age was probably twice as old as Kakuzu's actual age anyway.

"What's with you?" he really was curious about what was wrong with Deidara.

"There are no girls around here, un," Deidara glanced up. "And it seems everybody here seems to be too old to care."

Well, Kisame could always suggest Konan, but realized that would be a very bad idea.

But really, too old to care? That hurt his inner manliness. It's not that he didn't care; it was just that there were some things you had to accept. Like how a blue shark freak probably wouldn't go out picking up girls.

Deidara continued. "I even asked Leader about it, un!"

Oh God, did Deidara complain about his teenage problems to Pein-sama? That must have been awesome.

Deidara walked over to where Kisame was and sat down on an opposite chair. Kisame didn't mind now that it seemed Deidara has gotten over his weird infatuation with Samehada. Not that he could blame him of course.

"Haw, what did he say?" Kisame gave a grin.

"He said it's against organization policy to have frivolous relations with people whether they are involved or not involved with our cause that are beyond the realms of business. Bastard, just because he has Konan un," Deidara scowled.

Kisame had to silently agree. Sure he never gave that particular rule a thought as he generally wasn't able to get good girls anyway but now that Deidara was complaining about it…

"So what kind of girl do you like?" Well, Kisame thought. He was still quite young right? Talking about girls with a teenage boy is one of those normal male bonding activities? Right? He hung out for so long with Itachi that his idea of male bonding consisted of reading the dictionary.

Deidara looked gleeful having found someone to have semi-perverted conversations with. "I know I said pop is dead and how super flat art is good. But in the case of girls, I think I'd quite like pop art. _If you know what I mean, un._"

He elbowed Kisame. Kisame felt awkward. He wondered how the rest of male bonding should go and he tried to develop an appropriate facial expression that looked teenage-like. He attempted an easy going grin that had something of a perverseness in it. He also opened his eyes wide. Wide eyes showed interest right?

It didn't really work and Kisame's expression looked constipated as his eyes boggled wide. Kisame was unaware of this and he tried hard to get the right vibe.

"So Kisame no Danna, what kind of girls do you like?"

Kisame was drowning in Deidara's easy "teenage talk". No way was Kisame going to admit he was old. Oh, and that was metaphorical drowning. Shark Men don't drown easily.

So, he gave a hesitant grin, trying to match the one of Deidara's face.

"Shy weak ones. I mean, I'm not called Kis-seme for nothing," he grinned even wider. That was a teenage like thing to say right? He was feeling young already.

"Uh, Kisame no Danna?"

"Yeah?"

"I think the term seme is reserved for gay people, un."

"Is it?" he said awkwardly.

"Uh, I can't be too sure, but yeah, I'm pretty sure, un."

There was an awkward pause. He couldn't be getting old already could he? He was so much younger than Kakuzu for God's sake. But the lingo of youth just changed so damn fast. Was his springtime of youth long past?

Deidara sighed again.

"I hate it how Leader has a rule against relationships… un…"

"Come on, nobody really follows that rule," he floundered for a moment, looking for an example. "I mean there's Tobi, didn't he bring a girl back and lock her in his closet when Leader wasn't looking? They had a pretty stable relationship." Not really though actually, Kisame thought.

Deidara was pissed that Tobi was getting some and he wasn't. Then he remembered what happened to the girl.

"And then Tobi that idiot forgot to feed her un," Deidara scowled. "And guess who was it that had to clear her stinking corpse out of the closet? Me."

"Who's keeping people in the closet?"

A loud voice echoed through the room.

"Shark Face! Deidara-chan!"

Hidan gave a lazy wave as he entered the living room.

"Seriously, are you guys coming out of the closet? I knew you two were fucking gays! I've never seen you with any women, seriously."

"Because you totally stalk us right, un?"

"You're both fucking gay for each other aren't you?" Hidan said ignoring him.

At this, Kisame and Deidara both got very pissed. Kisame because he couldn't get women and Deidara who was deprived so long that he even began hitting on Samehada.

"Says the guy who'd rather kill virgins than bang them," Kisame said.

"And acts weird around Kakuzu," Deidara said.

_That's going a bit too far,_ Kisame thought. _Joking about homosexual relationships with your partner while something most members did when they first joined, as childish as it is was really the lowest blow._

"You know what Deidara?" Hidan said brightly. "Fuck you! You were totally gay for Sasori. Why didn't you two just get together and make orange? Gay pussies, seriously."

It was obvious he was making a reference to their hair colours. But come on, what kind of insult was that? Deidara wondered.

"Oh look," Hidan smirked as a certain orange masked man skipped lightly into the room. "Looks like you already have."

Deidara screeched and reached for Hidan's throat, his arms held wide open.

Only to find Tobi rushing into his arms screaming, "Senpai! I knew you cared! How did you know that I love hugs?"

Choking horribly, he reeled backwards, pushing Tobi off him and falling off his stool in the process.

"Gay," Hidan said.

"You idiot!" Deidara screamed. "Get the hell away from me, un!"

Tobi skipped back, a bit hurt. "Tobi is just here because he has to go for a mission! Leader said Tobi can go by himself for this one!"

Saying this, Tobi promptly plucked a mission slip from the bulletin board and grabbed a golf club.

"I don't think that is how heredity works," Kisame said. "I mean they are both guys, and both hair colours are recessive. I don't think orange masks are biologically passed down either."

He winced as both Hidan and Deidara glared at him. Tobi, unconcerned rubbed his hands up and down the smooth metal of the club.

Maybe he really was too old for this shit, Kisame thought. He wasn't made to deal with kids.

"Hey swirl-face, what's the golf club for?" Hidan asked in an off-hand way. He was sprawled across the carpet, suddenly calm from Deidara's rage.

"Tobi's weapon of choice!"

"Seriously?"

Tobi nodded happily. "It isn't like your three headed scythe, Tobi knows." Then Tobi's voice appeared to darken into an amused superiority. Tobi continued quietly, as his voice quality became the soft silk of a predator. "Because unlike your scythe Hidan-san, this club doesn't draw blood." There appeared to be a sinister chuckle coming from behind the mask. "It bashes brains out."

Kisame, Deidara and Hidan watched Tobi with open mouthed shock and sudden apprehension.

"Well," Tobi said, happy again. "Byyyye!"

He gave a jolly wave and marched out of the door, five iron in hand.

"He's going to get himself killed, un." Deidara said, somewhat hopefully and somewhat disturbed by Tobi's "weapon of choice".

All three companions were silent for a moment. Kisame rearranged the bandages covering Samehada. Deidara pondered whether making out with his hand and pretending it was a girl was considered desperate. Hidan was burying his face in ice cream.

"Jashinism prohibits sexual relationships," Hidan said suddenly.

"Huh?" Kisame said.

"You wondered why I sacrifice virgins instead of fucking them right?"

Deidara snickered.

"Someone seems to be defensive, un."

"Seriously," Hidan rolled his eyes. "Just because I'm not a pervert like the rest of you."

The Jashinist sniffed. "I'm too fucking old and freaking mature to sink to stupid idiotic conversational topics like girls. I'm the epitome of awesomeness and the height of maturity. You guys can just grovel, filthy _child _heathens. Perverts."

"Oh?" Deidara snapped. "So I'm the pervert now, un? Says the guy who comes from a freaking hot springs village?"

"I never fucking peeked! And who are _you_ calling pervert? Ever wonder what Kakuzu keeps in his suitcase? It sure as hell isn't money!" Hidan's face was flushed. Either from the embarrassment of a closet pervert or his usual red face of anger, Deidara didn't know.

"Oh? Passing things off to Kakuzu again? That's so gay, un."

By now Deidara and Hidan were standing up, facing off each other. Each one had an angry glare on their faces that rivalled the Uchiha Stare.

Kisame watched with mild interest on his face. He didn't deny that he wasn't a pervert, because he was.

Deidara continued on his rant.

"You never peeked though you lived in a village surrounded by naked bathing girls, un? You're the one who is gay!"

"I'm just not pumped full of fucking hormone like you dipshit! I told you! I'm not some horny kid like you!"

"You're only three years older than me!"

"Yeah? Maybe you're just upset because the only people you seem to pick up are either male or lesbians you fucking she-male!"

"Oh, I see, you're just too old to get it up anymore are you, un?"

"Blondie! I'll fucking castrate you! Then we'll see who can't get it up!"

Hidan swung a blow at Deidara who dodged. Both blonde and white haired Akatsuki members ran out of the room. Explosions echoed.

Luckily Kakuzu had invested in a more expensive and secure foundation for the hideout. It really saved on repair costs.

As the living room was finally quiet again, Kisame noticed Itachi silently standing in the doorway.

"Huh, you alright?"

Itachi nodded before walking in, sitting down next to Kisame. The Uchiha's age was somewhere between Deidara's and Hidan's.

"They disturb you?" Kisame continued, gesturing out of the corridor where muffled shrieks still echoed.

Itachi shrugged.

Ah Itachi, Kisame grinned to himself. At least there was somebody in the organization who he could depend on to act mature.

"Did you hear what they were talking about?"

Another nod from the quiet prodigy.

Then…

"I have a solo mission," Itachi said abruptly. He headed off to the bulletin board.

"Good luck," Kisame called as Itachi walked out of the room.

Itachi vaguely thought of what kind of woman he would like. It was a pity most of them… lacked… the correct chest size.

The Uchiha prodigy gave a very un-Uchiha like grin. But that was okay, because his Sharingan told him nobody was around to see it.

As soon as Itachi left, Deidara, bruised and bleeding stumbled over to flop on the carpet. For once, Kakuzu would get mad at someone who wasn't Hidan for bleeding all over the room.

He didn't notice that the mission slip with the uh… interesting mission details was no longer there.

X.X.X

A/N

So who had that mysterious mission detail slip? I suppose it could be either Tobi or Itachi.

This story is a bit chaotic for a one-shot. It seems to jump all over the place… well… as long as you understand it?

Review please! _**I don't mind one word reviews!**_

(:

Review?


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